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  • About:Bali has a long tradition of Bali Usada, also known as Balinese traditional healing. The Balinese live equally in two worlds: the seen or conscious world called sekala, and the unseen or psychic world, called niskala. In traditional Balinese healing, both of these elements need to be addressed in order to truly heal.

  • What to expect:The experience will be very public. The healer may make magic, create fire, use mudras, draw patterns on your body, spit wads of chewed herbs on your skin, apply scented oils, poke you with sharp sticks and/or give you a deep tissue massage or manipulation.

  • Journal:Click here

Day 12, 12/11/11: Discovering Spirit - Bali

My night was spent tormented by intense dreams, as far as I can recall the themes were support, death and holding on.

As we sat eating breakfast by the sea we were blessed by an impromptu counsel. Man, I needed this, I needed to share; I needed to set free what I felt I was holding. I needed to also hear I wasn't alone, get some insight into other peoples' process; to feel connected somehow.

In listening to Ken speak I was conscious that I needed to seize my moment. I needed to speak up, to speak out otherwise my age old pattern of sitting with things, holding them in until they became unbearable would simply play out.

In my heart I knew I could do this here. I mean if not here in such a supported space then where? Surely this was absolutely my moment to start experimenting, to be honest; to step out of my old skin reality.

I spoke of my struggle last night; I spoke of a sense of holding on, of holding something tightly within every cell of my body.

I referenced the conflict that unfolded for me in the temple last night, my conflict seemed to be with staying present when I was being pulled and pushed in different directions. The voice inside during that time was excruciating; one I wanted to dissociate from. Like being tossed in a wave over and over I couldn't break free of the pitiful words, 'I don't want to be touched, please leave me alone'. Even now its sound fills me with disgust, it's a voice I barely recognise, a voice fraught with weakness; a pathetic, grovelling voice that I loathe in myself and despise in others.

Something else which stood out last night was my apparent inability to move from the spot. Of course it's obvious that by not moving I leave myself vulnerable in the eye of the storm but for some reason I just couldn't physically move.

Ken asked if I could name the dissociation, he asked me to be curious about it, enquire as to what will happen or what do I think will happen if I move; he asked me to name the fear.

He then invited me to ask him questions during the movement or at any time should this or something similar unfold again; to ask him in real time. He also encouraged me to play with it; Ooo 'play' something I'm just not good at. He asked me to consider moving from the eye of the storm to the peripheral. To experience and dance between all realms; to taste all the flavours in the knowledge that I can move freely back and forth between them all as I choose. He encouraged me to move with the fluidity of consciousness.

Every word he said resonated. It was like the Path of Love all over again; argh what's happened to my compassion towards my self? During POL I discovered how many conflicts I have around saying no; thinking, believing it meant forever. In the dance last night I felt as if I had to stay put. Felt like I had to go deeper into my discomfort and explore it. Capture the essence whilst in the moment, connect with it... understand it.

As Paula keeps reminding me "understanding is the booby prize". Perhaps just like saying 'no' this is another opportunity where I can practice respecting and valuing myself. Of course my old pattern would be to try and stay present, to go deep but all's that does is disconnect me further from my body, leaving me 100% isolated in my head.

In this environment I need to gently encourage myself to explore new ground, step into unchartered territories and not be so hard on myself if I waver or begin to feel afraid. In this environment I can reach out, I know I can but still it's an almighty struggle.

To my 'self' I have agreed that if I feel trapped in the eye of the storm again, overwhelmed by the cascading sea of bodies I will experiment as Ken suggested. I will flow like consciousness and fill different spaces, not because I have to but because it will give me more of a perspective. It will help me see with a different pair of eyes. I need to shift my body in order to shift my conscious awareness.

As I write all this I am fully aware of the metaphoric connotations, for in staying put physically I am also staying put psychologically and spiritually.

Ken suggested that during my next Melukat I let the waters simply wash through me. Let them carry out all the stagnation, reopen/release all that is blocked.

As I listen to Kens' words they begin to pale into a quiet haze, for something deep inside is speaking, the words are simple the message clear. During my next Melukat there's only going to be one thing said, "I'm done".

As Francesco would say, "I am not my mind, I am not my body, I am not my emotions", Man, I am so done with all of this. I don't want to carry the weight, the burden any longer.

After breakfast Shelley leant me her snorkelling equipment and I swam out, each stroke taking me further, cleansing me deeper. For inside there's a part of me that just aches.

The coral was captivating and soon enough my mind was on other things. The dense weight of this morning was already beginning to dissolve in the warm salty water. As multicoloured fish swam in and out of tiny pockets I felt brave, somehow I felt carefree. As I kept swimming I passed the buoy. Here the water turned cooler, darker, below me the ground fell away. My underbelly was no longer cradled by a bed of coral.

Undeterred I continued, full steam ahead into new unchartered territories, a pioneer... until suddenly I was stopped in my tracks. From far below in the dark waters I saw a mass of large bubbles. 'Sh*t, they're huge, what could be that big?'

With no time to stop and question I turned full circle, swimming back to shore as quickly and as smoothly as I could. When I arrived on the beach I mentioned what had happened to Shelley, she laughed and said the same thing had happened to her; pesky scuba divers.

After lunch Shelley and I had a pedicure and chatted, it was a great way to spend the afternoon. Yoda had also arrived to perform our beachside Melukat. This one again felt different. With my intention in place it felt as if something was falling through me. My breathing was calm and an unusual state of bliss stayed with me throughout.

Tonno had travelled across the island to be with us and carry out another massage. As soon as my Melukat was complete I was swept off to have two hours of body work. This time I had an hour and 20mins on my body with a further 40mins dedicated to my neck, head and face; it was incredible.

Lost in the post-bodywork haze and unable to walk in a straight line I headed down to the seafront. With no idea as to where I was supposed to be or what time I was supposed to meet anyone I decided to indulge in a large bottle of Bintang (beer).

As I emptied the bottle of its last drop I could hear Bpae calling. With wobbly legs and tired eyes I approached him. He led me through a doorway. Up on a raised covered platform the group and Yoda were already stood together in a circle.

I had absolutely no idea what was about to happen as Yoda was transformed into the red naga. Before us he growled, eating large wads of about 50 burning incense sticks, charging around like the Tasmania devil. Obscurely though I was consumed by the urge to laugh. Then, whilst I was concentrating on maintaining straight lips he charged, head down making contact with Jo's stomach. As he did so she was thrown off her feet, whilst on the floor he preceded to eat at her stomach, devouring her.

Ha sh*t! Whether it was the effects of the beer or a culmination of all the treatments but I was really fighting my urge to giggle, it was just so mentally insane. As I desperately tried to focus Yoda charged, straight away I was flung back and went down. Lying upon the ground he ate at my stomach; leaving may I add a nasty looking stain on the front of my clean white blouse.

Apparently the naga eats away the old skin realities, removes toxins and negativity from its host. As he went round to each person his energy appeared to slow, and whilst still occupied by this altered state Ken nervously presented a raw egg on his open palm. The Naga seized upon it devouring it before falling backwards onto the floor.

As Yoda returned to his body he erupted into ferocious laughter; I think each and every one of us had also been fighting the urge to laugh, so simultaneously we took this as permission granted.

We bid Yoda goodnight; not sure if anyone had the heart to mention the egg stains on his chin. Each white top now supported its own signature 'naga' stain. It had been such a surreal evening and as the beer flowed so too did the laughter; tonight the energy felt light-hearted and free.